A man I working his way up a sheer ice face with a group of wealthy clients. One of the clients slips and starts to fall; as the rope that connects him to the next man up pulls tight, that man loses his grip. As the chain continues and the rest of the clients begin to fall one after another, the man takes off his gloves and punches his bare fists into the ice to hold himself there. When the tension reaches the rope attached to his belt, he does not move; unfortunately the rope cannot bear the weight and snaps off of his belt. As the man does not wish the clients to die (as he gets paid half after he brings them back), he dives down in an attempt to beat the clients to the ground. When he reaches the first one he grabs him and pulls the client up to accelerate himself downward even faster; he does this with each successive client and gains sufficient speed to gain a few seconds on them. As he approaches the ice below he lets loose a yodel that would shatter the eardrums of a normal man. This yodel has such intensity at the resonant frequency of the ice crystals that the ice below liquefies into a lake. The man then proceeds to hit the lake with enough force to break the surface tension for the clients so they do not hurt themselves landing in the water. He swims around and gathers the clients onto his back to run them the ten miles back to camp.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Thursday, March 6, 2008
The Most Awesome of Eating Contests, pt. 4 (Finale)
At long last, the end of the contest had arrived. The judges, carefully selected for not only their status as gourmands, but also for their appreciation of the awesome arts and overall durability (awesome food can be its own challenge), had been gathered. While the first opponent is carefully portioning out the Caspian sea wolf sauté, the second is nowhere to be seen.
Meanwhile, over a mile away, the man wonders about how to deliver his blue whale in a sufficiently awesome manner. Sliding down the volcano, he realizes his answer. As he lands below, he delivers a series of precise punches to the side of the volcano, the reverberations causing at first a slow rumble, but soon increasing, now independent of the punches. Quickly sprinting up the side of the volcano, he leaps onto the blue whale kabob as gas and lava erupt, blasting him (and his dish) into the air, giving the whale meat a final, cajun blackening. As the pieces land for miles around, approximately one lb each land on each plate in front of the judges, as the man himself comes flying down, clutching onto a blasted portion of the kebab stick. As it lunges straight into the ground, it deflects greatly at the end, slowing as if preparing or the final catapulting of the man, as it perfectly breaks, placing him gently on the ground.
There is some delay in the eating, as one judge fainted from the awesometicity of the display and had to be revived. After that, they tasted it.
The flavor itself defied words, language as a whole, experience all together. The best description, then, would be to give the reactions. One judge began to weep, knowing that after that first taste their life had peaked, never again to reach that acme of existence. To another, it proved the existence of a Supreme Being, as science could never explain away that utter joy, that exuberance, contained in even the smallest portion. The third appeared to have gone catatonic for specific reasons unknown.
It seemed an insurmountable task to outdo it. The man, though, had confidence in his sauté -- a confidence that can only be shared between a man and his wolf sauté, a confidence which has before now gone unappreciated, unlauded in the chronicles of man. From here on, that confidence will not go unfeared.
Serving the dish in the glued-together remains of the wolves' skulls, the sauté bubbled slightly as it seemed to possess an aura all its own. Though the taste would have been nice to describe, it will become clear that an accurate description is impossible for this dish as well, though for different reasons.
It was first carefully spoon fed to the now-catatonic judge. At first there seemed no reaction, then it seemed he was drooling it out without moving. However, it soon became apparent that it was, in fact, dribbling from the bottom of his mouth where it had burnt a hole through his jaw. Before consciousness could be returned, the dish consumed the remainder of the jaw, and through a bizarre osmosis, traveled through his blood vessels and, in conflagrant glory, burst his entire body into flames. The other judges, now slightly hesitant to try, but knowing their honor depended on it, simultaneously took a bite. As the hardier one raced toward the volcano, hoping to intercept the lava en route in order to take a drink to cool his mouth, the other sat perfectly still. Slowly, his head began to shake, more and more violently, until finally it exploded outward. There, where once was his head, sat a glowing ball of energy. It began to float upward and both men could have sworn that they quietly heard, in some strange form of language that transcended traditional senses, "Delicious."
Seeing that, truly, they were both winners, as they were clearly the greatest beings on the planet, the two men silently came to an agreement, nodded their assent to each other, then raced towards the lava and dove in, racing each other to the top of the volcano.
Meanwhile, over a mile away, the man wonders about how to deliver his blue whale in a sufficiently awesome manner. Sliding down the volcano, he realizes his answer. As he lands below, he delivers a series of precise punches to the side of the volcano, the reverberations causing at first a slow rumble, but soon increasing, now independent of the punches. Quickly sprinting up the side of the volcano, he leaps onto the blue whale kabob as gas and lava erupt, blasting him (and his dish) into the air, giving the whale meat a final, cajun blackening. As the pieces land for miles around, approximately one lb each land on each plate in front of the judges, as the man himself comes flying down, clutching onto a blasted portion of the kebab stick. As it lunges straight into the ground, it deflects greatly at the end, slowing as if preparing or the final catapulting of the man, as it perfectly breaks, placing him gently on the ground.
There is some delay in the eating, as one judge fainted from the awesometicity of the display and had to be revived. After that, they tasted it.
The flavor itself defied words, language as a whole, experience all together. The best description, then, would be to give the reactions. One judge began to weep, knowing that after that first taste their life had peaked, never again to reach that acme of existence. To another, it proved the existence of a Supreme Being, as science could never explain away that utter joy, that exuberance, contained in even the smallest portion. The third appeared to have gone catatonic for specific reasons unknown.
It seemed an insurmountable task to outdo it. The man, though, had confidence in his sauté -- a confidence that can only be shared between a man and his wolf sauté, a confidence which has before now gone unappreciated, unlauded in the chronicles of man. From here on, that confidence will not go unfeared.
Serving the dish in the glued-together remains of the wolves' skulls, the sauté bubbled slightly as it seemed to possess an aura all its own. Though the taste would have been nice to describe, it will become clear that an accurate description is impossible for this dish as well, though for different reasons.
It was first carefully spoon fed to the now-catatonic judge. At first there seemed no reaction, then it seemed he was drooling it out without moving. However, it soon became apparent that it was, in fact, dribbling from the bottom of his mouth where it had burnt a hole through his jaw. Before consciousness could be returned, the dish consumed the remainder of the jaw, and through a bizarre osmosis, traveled through his blood vessels and, in conflagrant glory, burst his entire body into flames. The other judges, now slightly hesitant to try, but knowing their honor depended on it, simultaneously took a bite. As the hardier one raced toward the volcano, hoping to intercept the lava en route in order to take a drink to cool his mouth, the other sat perfectly still. Slowly, his head began to shake, more and more violently, until finally it exploded outward. There, where once was his head, sat a glowing ball of energy. It began to float upward and both men could have sworn that they quietly heard, in some strange form of language that transcended traditional senses, "Delicious."
Seeing that, truly, they were both winners, as they were clearly the greatest beings on the planet, the two men silently came to an agreement, nodded their assent to each other, then raced towards the lava and dove in, racing each other to the top of the volcano.
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