The Most Awesome of Eating Contests, pt. 3

The first man returns on his helicopter to the private jet waiting to take him to the kitchen that has been prepared in international waters. Agreeing that the prey of his opponent would be much more difficult to move distances, the location is off the coast of Chile. A perimeter has been formed around this location of pirates hunting various less endangered species to keep Green Peace and their ilk from disturbing the cook-off. By the time this man finally arrives, the blue-whale make-shift sail boat is visible off the coast. The two begin on the task of cooking their meals.

The first decides that a good wolf meat sauté would work very well, however the heat for this must be provided in the most awesome manner of him and assistants sustaining fire-breathing on the sautéing pan. The liquid of choice for the fire-breathing for this task is of course 95% ethanol to make sure that the flavor of the wolf is not ruined by “safer” burning chemicals. This would also provide an easy solution to spices as no additional flavoring is necessary for this method (as the essence of awesome that enters the food from fire breathing would overpower all conventional spices); the man decides, however, that a bit of additional flavor may add to it and as such had an assistant fetch Naga Jolokia peppers to add something that might be able to come through the awesomeness.

The second man moves during the night to prepare his dish, he needs to go to the mainland as there is only one way to prepare a blue whale. He meets all but two of his assistants (each more awesome than the last) on the shore with the whale. The quickly move inland and into the Andes towards their cooking destination, the Llaima volcano. Here the other two assistants wait with a blue whale skewer; the two charge with the skewer and ram it through the whale. The giant beast is then propped over the volcano to begin the cooking process. Spices are applied (to enhance the awesome flavor provided by the volcano) by cannon custom designed to shoot spices in a wide spray. Other assistants in heat resistant suits fly around the whale with jet packs to rub in the spices. The man walks on the top side of the whale as it turns to monitor the cooking process from the best possible vantage point.

[cont with the finale in part 4]

The Most Awesome of Eating Contests, pt. 2

While the sea wolf hunt went on, the other contestant hunted his own soon-to-be-one-step-closer-to-extinct prey. Knowing that while the shear ferocity of the wolf might not be easily matched, the elusiveness and challenge of the hunt certainly could.

Laying the line of bait behind him, the man's raft slowly drifted through the frigid Antarctic waters. Clutching his only weapon -- a harpoon gun, tip bloodied with the gore of lesser animals from the past few days, killed for limited sustenance -- close to his chest, the raft bobbed along, awaiting the critical moment. Suddenly, from behind, a tail wider than the man arose from the water, and from above a sudden spray of water -- the prey was here! The man, unfazed by the might of his opponent, rushed toward his 100 ft meal: the blue whale.

Leaping from his raft onto the back of the whale, he quickly sprinted towards the head, his tracted boots making balance possible if difficult. Arriving at the skull, the man carefully pointed the harpoon gun down, aiming for a fatal blow through the brain. Sensing the danger, the blue whale bucked forward, throwing the man a few feet closer to the front of this monster. Lashing out once more, the whale quickly tried to lick the man off its face. Barely able to dodge the lethal 3-ton tongue, his arm is hit and, far more importantly, the harpoon gun lost to the frozen ocean. As the whale began to turn, feeling that its battle was won, the man slid down the side of its head, desperately reaching out in an attempt to grasp something solid -- and, to his surprise, succeeding. Instantly glancing up to see his savior, his eyes light upon an ancient whaling harpoon, at least 150 years old, embedded in the side of the whale. Knowing he has but seconds before his fate is sealed, with a titanic shove the harpoon sinks in a few more feet. An unprecedented roar rips across the waters as blood gushes out, the whale feebly shaking its last.

Climbing on top his prize, his own raft now destroyed, the man skins a small portion of the whale, revealing enough nutritious blubber to sustain himself during the ride home. Whale skin mounted onto a harpoon as a limited sail, the man begins the journey to the coast of Chile to begin the next portion of the contest.

[cont in part 3]

The Most Awesome of Eating Contests, pt. 1

Two men sit across from each other, both waiting to begin the contest of their lives. This is no ordinary eating contest. These two men are not going to see who can eat the most flapjacks or cram the most pie into their pie-hole. No, these two men have to travel the globe to find the most endangered species they can find, cook it with a recipe of their choosing, and split it into thirds...one third for themselves, one for the judges and a third to throw away. Because truly, what is more awesome and manly than wasting food?

The first man sets off on his quest to find the Caspian Sea Wolf. Native to Russia, the Caspian Sea Wolf lives in small packs. The man approaches the area by helicopter, but to get closer, he dons a disguise of the wolf's natural prey, the deer. As soon as he gets close enough, the wolves spot him. They break into a sprint for the "deer" while the man sits, waiting. At the last moment, the man whips off his disguise, brandishes a twelve-gauge shotgun and carefully (as carefully as one can be with a shotgun) blows the face off the wolf, killing it instantly. This scares away the other wolves, allowing the man to pick up the carcass and signal the helicopter to pick him up so he can begin on the second part of the competition.

[Join us later for part 2...]

An Awesome Valentine

A truly awesome person gives their valentine a heart-shaped box of chocolates. Of course, this box of chocolates was not a normal box -- it was an awesome box.

As she opens it, chocolate explosions go off -- seriously, not some sort of poorly-written-food-review taste explosion, but the chocolate-covered firecrackers spin off into the air and explode. Shaken but still smiling (though forced), she picks up another one and takes a bite to be met by the overwhelming taste of bacon.

"Chocolate covered bacon," says the man excitedly, "and every other form of pork's in there too -- even boar!"

Sadly, after slowly consuming 2/3rds of the box over a period of a few days, she exploded in a gigantic ball of awesome, too much awesome having built up and evolved her into a form of sentient energy. Well, maybe it was just a gigantic explosion caused by chocolate-covered dynamite, but, really, who can tell these days.

Man Vs. Dragon

A man sits in a plane sipping some water. A sudden jolt in the cabin causes the water to splash all over the him. He looks out the window to spot a red tail flash by. He knows what he must do. He quickly runs to the nearest exit and jumps out the door onto the back of the dragon as it makes another pass. The man grabs a hold of one of the dragon’s wings to prevent it from gaining lift. The dragon flexes its spinal spines to fling the man from its back. He flies up and grabs the dragon around the neck, coming face to face with the beast. The dragon exhales fire into the man’s face only to have the man shout with such force as to blow the fire right back down the dragon’s throat. As an excess of fire and air builds up in the dragon’s neck the man slams the dragon’s mouth shut with an epic uppercut. Unable to relieve the pressure, the dragon’s throat explodes. The man lands back on the dead dragon’s back, grabs the wings, and uses them to fly back up to the plane from which he had jumped. The man patches the exit back up with one of the wings and the flight lands safely at its destination.

Funeral for the Awesome

An awesome man has passed on. For unexplained reasons, his funeral was postponed for several months after his death, as per his will. As the mourners gather at the closed-casket funeral, a somber tone is over the room. The grievers find their seats and prepare for the eulogy, laid out precisely as according to the will of the awesome man. As a friend goes to give his eulogy, those there to see the man off are too overcome with memories to notice the marionette strings hanging near-invisibly from the ceiling, or the executor of the estate holding a suspicious button. As the friend clears his throat, the button is pressed, and in a split second the coffin lid flips open and the skeletal remains of the man rise, hanging vertically with an electric guitar attached in proper playing posture, a Hendrix solo blaring out through speakers as the skeletal hand appears to strum. Inside of ten seconds of this, the bomb attached to the inside of the guitar goes off, covering those shocked mourners with the dust of the awesome as the guitar noise slowly dims from the speakers. Everyone later agreed that it was the best funeral, and guitar solo, ever.

man vs technology

Typing on an iPod touch is hard. Technology wins.

Man Vs. Nile Crocodile

On a warm day on the Nile, a man decides to take a swim. Little does he know or care of the company he keeps when he does this. Seeing prey enter the water, nearby crocodiles move in for the kill. The first crocodile to him brings its jaws down with crushing force on the man’s midsection. The man does not flinch; with a quick flex of his abs, he breaks the crocodiles grip and brings his hands in between his body and the crocodile’s teeth. With another quick motion he breaks the crocodile’s jaw. Another crocodile bites at his head, but the man uses the top part of the previous crocodile’s jaw to block the bite. Realizing his disadvantage in position, the man climbs onto the nearest crocodile and runs across the backs of the assailing crocodiles until he reaches the shore. It is from here that he makes his stand against the other crocodiles. He grabs the next two that attack him and pull them to shore to grab them by their tails. He proceeds to swing these two crocodiles into the other attackers as they come eventually bludgeoning them all to death. The man moves on down the river.

Man Vs. Moth

On a beautiful summer day, a one-person round of golf is being enjoyed. Fluttering in the air are several butterflies and one moth, though the golfer notices none of these, concentrating instead on the fairway. The moth lands on the still-dewy grass and quickly expands to over eight feet tall. As the now shaken swing finishes, an ominous shadow falls over the ground and muffled screams and a single terrifying "Slurp" are heard. Returning to original size, the moth flutters off with the butterflies, leaving behind a golf bag and a potential birdie.

Man Vs. Bird

A huge bird soars through the sky, oblivious to it's impending demise.  The bird flies past a tree, where a man jumps off the tree, onto the bird.  The weight of the man causes the bird and man to fall through the sky together.  The man snaps the bird's neck in midair and the man and bird fall to the ground.  The man stands up, brushes himself off, throws the bird's carcass to the side and climbs the nearest tree where he perches, waiting for his next victim.

Man Vs. Bear

A man walks quietly through the woods. He comes around a bend in the path a grizzly bear a few feet from him. Their eyes remain locked for a moment as they wait for the other to move. The bear rises up onto its hind legs and lets loose a deafening roar. The man sees his chance and lunges at the bear. As the bear brings its body down to crush the man with its weight the man dodges to the side and swings his heel around to meet the bear’s jaw. The bear’s unconscious body drops the ground. The man walks on down the path.

Man Vs. Shark

A man is swimming quietly in the ocean. A shark is seen in the distance, but approaching. The man grapples with the shark, lifting and throwing it into the air. He dives down then rapidly speeds upwards dolphin-style, breaking the surface vertically, even gaining air. As the shark comes falling down, the man pulls back his arm and lets loose with a mighty uppercut at the perfect moment. The fist pierces through the nose, the shark splitting in twain as the man continues upward, eventually two bloody halves of shark falling from besides him as he gracefully arcs back into the water. The man continues quietly swimming.