The Most Awesome of Eating Contests, pt. 4 (Finale)

At long last, the end of the contest had arrived. The judges, carefully selected for not only their status as gourmands, but also for their appreciation of the awesome arts and overall durability (awesome food can be its own challenge), had been gathered. While the first opponent is carefully portioning out the Caspian sea wolf sauté, the second is nowhere to be seen.

Meanwhile, over a mile away, the man wonders about how to deliver his blue whale in a sufficiently awesome manner. Sliding down the volcano, he realizes his answer. As he lands below, he delivers a series of precise punches to the side of the volcano, the reverberations causing at first a slow rumble, but soon increasing, now independent of the punches. Quickly sprinting up the side of the volcano, he leaps onto the blue whale kabob as gas and lava erupt, blasting him (and his dish) into the air, giving the whale meat a final, cajun blackening. As the pieces land for miles around, approximately one lb each land on each plate in front of the judges, as the man himself comes flying down, clutching onto a blasted portion of the kebab stick. As it lunges straight into the ground, it deflects greatly at the end, slowing as if preparing or the final catapulting of the man, as it perfectly breaks, placing him gently on the ground.

There is some delay in the eating, as one judge fainted from the awesometicity of the display and had to be revived. After that, they tasted it.

The flavor itself defied words, language as a whole, experience all together. The best description, then, would be to give the reactions. One judge began to weep, knowing that after that first taste their life had peaked, never again to reach that acme of existence. To another, it proved the existence of a Supreme Being, as science could never explain away that utter joy, that exuberance, contained in even the smallest portion. The third appeared to have gone catatonic for specific reasons unknown.

It seemed an insurmountable task to outdo it. The man, though, had confidence in his sauté -- a confidence that can only be shared between a man and his wolf sauté, a confidence which has before now gone unappreciated, unlauded in the chronicles of man. From here on, that confidence will not go unfeared.

Serving the dish in the glued-together remains of the wolves' skulls, the sauté bubbled slightly as it seemed to possess an aura all its own. Though the taste would have been nice to describe, it will become clear that an accurate description is impossible for this dish as well, though for different reasons.

It was first carefully spoon fed to the now-catatonic judge. At first there seemed no reaction, then it seemed he was drooling it out without moving. However, it soon became apparent that it was, in fact, dribbling from the bottom of his mouth where it had burnt a hole through his jaw. Before consciousness could be returned, the dish consumed the remainder of the jaw, and through a bizarre osmosis, traveled through his blood vessels and, in conflagrant glory, burst his entire body into flames. The other judges, now slightly hesitant to try, but knowing their honor depended on it, simultaneously took a bite. As the hardier one raced toward the volcano, hoping to intercept the lava en route in order to take a drink to cool his mouth, the other sat perfectly still. Slowly, his head began to shake, more and more violently, until finally it exploded outward. There, where once was his head, sat a glowing ball of energy. It began to float upward and both men could have sworn that they quietly heard, in some strange form of language that transcended traditional senses, "Delicious."

Seeing that, truly, they were both winners, as they were clearly the greatest beings on the planet, the two men silently came to an agreement, nodded their assent to each other, then raced towards the lava and dove in, racing each other to the top of the volcano.

The Most Awesome of Eating Contests, pt. 3

The first man returns on his helicopter to the private jet waiting to take him to the kitchen that has been prepared in international waters. Agreeing that the prey of his opponent would be much more difficult to move distances, the location is off the coast of Chile. A perimeter has been formed around this location of pirates hunting various less endangered species to keep Green Peace and their ilk from disturbing the cook-off. By the time this man finally arrives, the blue-whale make-shift sail boat is visible off the coast. The two begin on the task of cooking their meals.

The first decides that a good wolf meat sauté would work very well, however the heat for this must be provided in the most awesome manner of him and assistants sustaining fire-breathing on the sautéing pan. The liquid of choice for the fire-breathing for this task is of course 95% ethanol to make sure that the flavor of the wolf is not ruined by “safer” burning chemicals. This would also provide an easy solution to spices as no additional flavoring is necessary for this method (as the essence of awesome that enters the food from fire breathing would overpower all conventional spices); the man decides, however, that a bit of additional flavor may add to it and as such had an assistant fetch Naga Jolokia peppers to add something that might be able to come through the awesomeness.

The second man moves during the night to prepare his dish, he needs to go to the mainland as there is only one way to prepare a blue whale. He meets all but two of his assistants (each more awesome than the last) on the shore with the whale. The quickly move inland and into the Andes towards their cooking destination, the Llaima volcano. Here the other two assistants wait with a blue whale skewer; the two charge with the skewer and ram it through the whale. The giant beast is then propped over the volcano to begin the cooking process. Spices are applied (to enhance the awesome flavor provided by the volcano) by cannon custom designed to shoot spices in a wide spray. Other assistants in heat resistant suits fly around the whale with jet packs to rub in the spices. The man walks on the top side of the whale as it turns to monitor the cooking process from the best possible vantage point.

[cont with the finale in part 4]

The Most Awesome of Eating Contests, pt. 2

While the sea wolf hunt went on, the other contestant hunted his own soon-to-be-one-step-closer-to-extinct prey. Knowing that while the shear ferocity of the wolf might not be easily matched, the elusiveness and challenge of the hunt certainly could.

Laying the line of bait behind him, the man's raft slowly drifted through the frigid Antarctic waters. Clutching his only weapon -- a harpoon gun, tip bloodied with the gore of lesser animals from the past few days, killed for limited sustenance -- close to his chest, the raft bobbed along, awaiting the critical moment. Suddenly, from behind, a tail wider than the man arose from the water, and from above a sudden spray of water -- the prey was here! The man, unfazed by the might of his opponent, rushed toward his 100 ft meal: the blue whale.

Leaping from his raft onto the back of the whale, he quickly sprinted towards the head, his tracted boots making balance possible if difficult. Arriving at the skull, the man carefully pointed the harpoon gun down, aiming for a fatal blow through the brain. Sensing the danger, the blue whale bucked forward, throwing the man a few feet closer to the front of this monster. Lashing out once more, the whale quickly tried to lick the man off its face. Barely able to dodge the lethal 3-ton tongue, his arm is hit and, far more importantly, the harpoon gun lost to the frozen ocean. As the whale began to turn, feeling that its battle was won, the man slid down the side of its head, desperately reaching out in an attempt to grasp something solid -- and, to his surprise, succeeding. Instantly glancing up to see his savior, his eyes light upon an ancient whaling harpoon, at least 150 years old, embedded in the side of the whale. Knowing he has but seconds before his fate is sealed, with a titanic shove the harpoon sinks in a few more feet. An unprecedented roar rips across the waters as blood gushes out, the whale feebly shaking its last.

Climbing on top his prize, his own raft now destroyed, the man skins a small portion of the whale, revealing enough nutritious blubber to sustain himself during the ride home. Whale skin mounted onto a harpoon as a limited sail, the man begins the journey to the coast of Chile to begin the next portion of the contest.

[cont in part 3]

The Most Awesome of Eating Contests, pt. 1

Two men sit across from each other, both waiting to begin the contest of their lives. This is no ordinary eating contest. These two men are not going to see who can eat the most flapjacks or cram the most pie into their pie-hole. No, these two men have to travel the globe to find the most endangered species they can find, cook it with a recipe of their choosing, and split it into thirds...one third for themselves, one for the judges and a third to throw away. Because truly, what is more awesome and manly than wasting food?

The first man sets off on his quest to find the Caspian Sea Wolf. Native to Russia, the Caspian Sea Wolf lives in small packs. The man approaches the area by helicopter, but to get closer, he dons a disguise of the wolf's natural prey, the deer. As soon as he gets close enough, the wolves spot him. They break into a sprint for the "deer" while the man sits, waiting. At the last moment, the man whips off his disguise, brandishes a twelve-gauge shotgun and carefully (as carefully as one can be with a shotgun) blows the face off the wolf, killing it instantly. This scares away the other wolves, allowing the man to pick up the carcass and signal the helicopter to pick him up so he can begin on the second part of the competition.

[Join us later for part 2...]